The Function of Female Ecstasy
For the last many years of being a devout spokeswoman for the importance of full female pleasure, thus becoming an instructor for women and men on tracking the elusive creature called 'female orgasm', I have come to the conclusion that the function of female ecstasy is several-fold. And more to the point, its full reclamation and honoring is as necessary as clean renewable energy and the reinvention of community. Without it, I promise you, we will never achieve world peace.
The anatomy of our erogeneity is as perplexing to actual scientists as it is to the courageous men who have taken it upon themselves to love us; intrepid explorers all of them. But our female anatomy is not merely perplexing, turns out it's downright controversial. Just last month a couple of researchers announced that, contrary to the empirical, predictable and replicable gushing experience of millions of women across the globe, there is no such thing as a G-Spot! And to this day, not a single doctor or researcher has come up with a convincing scientific reason for the existence of the clitoris (as if we needed one). Contrary to men, we do not need to experience pleasure to conceive a child. Nor does our orgasm have any biological purpose, according to experts.
Perhaps it's because of all this intrigue and uncertainty that, without hesitation, I can tell you the single most empowering thing for a man to discover in relation to his woman (in my professional experience) is how to give her pleasure...more specifically, how to drive her wild. I've seen cynical high-powered business men - who seem to be unflappable, impenetrable - weep like awe-struck little boys when they finally learn how to read their woman's erotic map (which ALWAYS starts with her learning it first!). And nothing, truly nothing, has more bang for a man's buck than learning how to provide his woman with a gushing g-spot orgasm. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that man is an empirical creature but there is nothing like a quarter cup of 100-proof pleasure-nectar to assuage a man's uncertainty that his woman has achieved orgasm on his watch. (A side-note; not only am I willing to bet the farm on the fact that all women have g-spots, I'm willing to bet the neighbor's farm on the fact that ALL g-spots know how to orgasm, naturally and without limit, over and over, world without end, Amen.)
And as wonderful as it is that we women reclaim our full sexual expression it comes with a great responsibility that is often shocking. As I have witnessed newly discovered female sexual ecstasy I have witnessed something tagging along. It seems that the true, wild nature of our female ecstasy is dependent upon our acceptance and expression of deep planetary grief. More specifically, I have come to understand that both joy and grief are necessary dance partners in our experience of ecstasy.
As I have watched women moving through their own pleasure, discovering the depths and heights of their repertoire, I have watched woman after woman move from bone-shaking sobs to glorious laughter in the span of a few moments, with the grace of a blue heron in flight, all while in the throes of orgasm. And in these orgasms, in both her deep grief and illuminated joy - and everything in between - she is doing something that goes far beyond a physiological process. She is recalibrating a system that has suffered egregiously under oppression and violence; not just her system but the universal feminine body comprising females of all species, likely including the Earth itself. Of course I can't prove this, at least not yet, but thankfully there's still time. Bearing witness to the lovemaking of couples with the frequency that I do, it is clear that a woman's full orgasm is a filtration device for much of the world's pain and suffering - which is perpetrated largely at the hands of men. And while this is not about blaming, it is about truth-telling, expressly for the purpose of honoring and healing. Imagine how powerfully healing it is for men to be offered the opportunity to make a creature sing who, for so long, has been violently harmed by his lineage? I have watched a man stop in the middle of lovemaking, in the midst of his woman's most glorious orgasms, collect her in his arms and begin weeping for how it feels to bring pleasure and honoring where before he has only ever experienced himself and/or his gender as causing harm.
Of course this dance of grief and joy is equally powerful for the woman herself. It is as if, in her achievement of ecstasy she is now open to the intense emotions of the world, perhaps that she has been even only marginally aware of in her consciousness but now comes face to face with. These universal emotions become the maestro to the instrument of her body. In the vulnerable place of her own deep pleasure she finds herself feeling feelings she had long forgotten, or perhaps has never felt before. In fact, many of them are likely not even about her. They are about life in general.
Three days ago, while working with a couple, I was reminded of the power of this process. In the midst of their lovemaking, at the peak of her first orgasm, she began to weep and as she wept she began speaking her heartbreak for the people in Haiti who were dealing with loss and horror unlike anything most of us in the United States will ever know (unless you are from the 9th Ward in New Orleans). Her partner was uncertain about what he should do next and began to slow down. She wrapped her arms and legs around him, welcoming him deeper, and for minutes she continued to sob and speak her sorrow for what is occurring in a country she has never seen, to people she has never met. But she did not end there. They continued to make love and after she had exhausted her sorrow, and he had kissed each of her tears while being her witness and her protector, she found a joy within her that was as equally honoring of life itself as was her grief. They both began laughing, rolling over and over each other like playful otters as he, finally certain that she was safe, allowed himself to orgasm.
We were endowed with an extraordinary gift when we were given the capacity for ecstasy. It is not a luxury. It is profound medicine.